So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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