Swine flu. Run for my life!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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