so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
