I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
