they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
