Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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