he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
