He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish I could teleport
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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