I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
