i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
