i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
