i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
