Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
