So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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