and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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