enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
