this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
