I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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