Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
