Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
