Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
