i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
