I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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