the condom got lost in my hair
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
