Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
