when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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