bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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