i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
