Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
