you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
