I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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