I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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