You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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