omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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