dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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