I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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