Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
