My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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