i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
