She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
