i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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