Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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