Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
