Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
