the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
