Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
