since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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