Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
