I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
