I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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