i wish my penis had a tongue
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
