I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
