The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
